WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
