I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
