im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize