if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
