I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
