You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
