Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
