i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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