Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
