so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
