Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
