every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
