you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize