They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
