im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
