hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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