i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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