am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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