Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
