I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
