My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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