I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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