She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
