the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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