Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
