I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
