he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
