I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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