Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
