My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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