Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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