I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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