she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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