a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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