Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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