An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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