I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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