Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
