make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
