I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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