i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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