Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
