I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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