gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
