wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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