This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
