You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
