dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
