He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
