Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
