I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize