Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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