my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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