Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
