i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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