Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize