If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
