Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
