i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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