All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
