Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
