So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize